McCain can run, but he can't hide from Sheriff Biden

Alright folks, it's time we take a little refresher course in politics, country, and gimmickry. John McCain is trying to spin things, trying to tell everyone that he's putting his "country" first when he puts "politics" aside so that he can go to Congress and try to help them "get stuff done". Well, listen, I've known a gimmick or two in my life, and this one's a classic. Let's look at the facts here. Number one, the economy is doing terrible. I mean just God awful. I mean, the other day, I was walking through the streets of Cincinatti, and a little kid, couldn't be more than five years old, wearing rags for clothes, chimney ash on his face, smelt like dog crap, walked up to me and said, "Mr. Biden, my daddy got fired because the mean corporation sent his job to India to be done by some wog." I stopped him right there and told him, look, first of all, this is America, you can't say "wog" here. Uncle Joe learned that the hard way. Second of all, you want your daddy to get his job back, you go and tell him to vote for Mr. Obama and Mr. Biden, because we're looking out for him and other white men living in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Minnesota, Wisconsin, and Virginia just like him. Then he asked me for some money for lunch, but I was only carrying Benjamins, so I couldn't help him out. I mean, it just wouldn't be right of me to put that kind of a burden on a kid, give him a hundred bucks to carry around. What if he loses it? Then he's got the double burden on his head of ruining his family's only chance to eat, and costing Big Joe a hundred big ones. I just can't abide by dong that to a little kid; George Bush has already punished him enough. And that's the thing to remember here: the economy is doing so terrible because of George Bush. Look, I understand the economy, because the economy is like me. That is, it's made up of people like me, people who grew up in Scranton and work hard for a living and take the train to work everyday and would also be Senators if they weren't busy doing the jobs that need to be done to keep America running strong and proud. This is a Biden economy, and let me tell you what Biden thinks of George W. Bush: I don't like him. I don't like his policies, I don't like his appointees, and I don't like his face. I don't like George Bush, and the economy doesn't like him either, and the economy's been letting him know that lately by tanking. It's like the economy is a monkey, and he walked up to it holding a banana, and then pulled the banana away. Well you know what a monkey does when you do that? It throws poop! We've got an economy that's slinging poop everywhere, and it's all Bush's fault, and I'd say you can take that to the bank, but you can't, 'cause guess what: the bank's going out of business, because George Bush is a terrible man. And when I tell you that George Bush is a terrible man, you might say, "Oh, Joe, you old good-looking coot, what're you talking about that there George Bush for? He's not running for office again! He's got them fancy term limits I keep hearing so much about on the Fox News." Well, let me tell you something they won't tell you on Fox News: John McCain is like an older, more POWy version of George Bush, and giving him to Congress while we're in the middle of a financial crisis is like giving a poop gun to an angry monkey: it's just bad news. That's how Joe sees it, and Joe has 20/10 vision, just like Ted Williams.

Joe Knows

Alright folks, it's Uncle Joe checking in, trying to clear up some of the confusion here about some of the things I allegedly said in an alleged rally, allegedly held somewhere in Ohio. Some people are trying to say that I told some young lady in Ohio that I'm against clean coal. That's crazy. You just have to look at the Obama website to see that we are clearly 100% behind clean coal; I'd be absolutely nuts if I said something completely contrary to what my campaign is saying, and Big O didn't hire me because I'm absolutely nuts; he hired me because I'm the only man who can turn Ohio into Joehio, and you don't do that by being absolutely nuts. No, what I was telling that young woman is that I'm not in favor of only clean coal. I may have managed to omit saying only in the heat of the moment, 'cause, you don't realize what it's like in a handshake situation. It's high pressure, it's high impact, it's like a cagematch. Lots of stuff going on, not sure what's what. It's easy to drop a modifier or two, and that's what I did, but look, let's not fool ourselves folks. Joe knows wind. Joe knows solar. Joe knows geothermal. Joe knows hydroelectric, and don't let anyone ever tell you that Joe don't know Diddley, because he most certainly knows Diddley. But let's talk about what Joe knows best. That's right, Joe knows foreign policy. People walk up to me all the time and they say, Joe, how can you be such a foreign policy genius? And the answer is, first of all, I am a genius in general. You can't be a foreign policy genius without being a regular genius, and it's a testament to my Scranton, PA genes that I'm a regular genius. I'm living proof, y'know, if anyone's ever growing up in Scranton, just a normal working class kid, growing up, living the average American life, and they're wondering if they can be great, they just gotta look at Joey B. to know they can do whatever they set their mind to. But anyway, it's not enough to just be a regular genius. I understand foreign policy. Y'see, a lot of people, they think foreign policy is like chess, and they're right, except it's more like 3D chess, like on "Star Trek". I was one of the pioneers of 3D chess, by the way; I sponsored legislation in the Senate 30 years ago designating it as the official game of Alberta. This was back when we were trying to show Canada who's boss. So foreign policy is like 3D chess, except with 192 players. So Kirk and Spock are sitting around, playing 3D chess, making their moves, then all of a sudden Uhura (who Michelle has always reminded me of, by the way) walks up and tosses a piece on the table and yells, "Checkmate!" and Kirk says, "Uhura! You can't do that, you aren't playing!" and Uhura says, "This is foreign policy, not 3D chess, bitch!" ('cause that's how the sistahs like to talk). So you have to keep in mind when you're dealing with foreign policy that it's like that, and clean coal is no different. You see, you have us, and the Middle East, and we're playing chess, but then you have to think about China, and, now, let me tell you something about the Chinese: they have no souls. You heard it here first; Uncle Joe was on top of it. The Chinese: no souls. They're like animals. So we're trying to make clean coal so we don't have to buy oil from the Middle East, which is like bringing out our queen while they're still castling, but then you have to worry about the Chinese trying to move some rooks out of turn and calling it En Passant, 'cause they're soulless, they won't think twice about cheating you. So that's what you need to take home about clean coal, put this in your lunchbox and take it home with you: the Chinese have no souls. And that's scary. And they won't think twice about putting their coal in your food and poisoning you with it, so we better clean up our coal. And that's the fact, Jack.