Joe Knows

Alright folks, it's Uncle Joe checking in, trying to clear up some of the confusion here about some of the things I allegedly said in an alleged rally, allegedly held somewhere in Ohio. Some people are trying to say that I told some young lady in Ohio that I'm against clean coal. That's crazy. You just have to look at the Obama website to see that we are clearly 100% behind clean coal; I'd be absolutely nuts if I said something completely contrary to what my campaign is saying, and Big O didn't hire me because I'm absolutely nuts; he hired me because I'm the only man who can turn Ohio into Joehio, and you don't do that by being absolutely nuts. No, what I was telling that young woman is that I'm not in favor of only clean coal. I may have managed to omit saying only in the heat of the moment, 'cause, you don't realize what it's like in a handshake situation. It's high pressure, it's high impact, it's like a cagematch. Lots of stuff going on, not sure what's what. It's easy to drop a modifier or two, and that's what I did, but look, let's not fool ourselves folks. Joe knows wind. Joe knows solar. Joe knows geothermal. Joe knows hydroelectric, and don't let anyone ever tell you that Joe don't know Diddley, because he most certainly knows Diddley. But let's talk about what Joe knows best. That's right, Joe knows foreign policy. People walk up to me all the time and they say, Joe, how can you be such a foreign policy genius? And the answer is, first of all, I am a genius in general. You can't be a foreign policy genius without being a regular genius, and it's a testament to my Scranton, PA genes that I'm a regular genius. I'm living proof, y'know, if anyone's ever growing up in Scranton, just a normal working class kid, growing up, living the average American life, and they're wondering if they can be great, they just gotta look at Joey B. to know they can do whatever they set their mind to. But anyway, it's not enough to just be a regular genius. I understand foreign policy. Y'see, a lot of people, they think foreign policy is like chess, and they're right, except it's more like 3D chess, like on "Star Trek". I was one of the pioneers of 3D chess, by the way; I sponsored legislation in the Senate 30 years ago designating it as the official game of Alberta. This was back when we were trying to show Canada who's boss. So foreign policy is like 3D chess, except with 192 players. So Kirk and Spock are sitting around, playing 3D chess, making their moves, then all of a sudden Uhura (who Michelle has always reminded me of, by the way) walks up and tosses a piece on the table and yells, "Checkmate!" and Kirk says, "Uhura! You can't do that, you aren't playing!" and Uhura says, "This is foreign policy, not 3D chess, bitch!" ('cause that's how the sistahs like to talk). So you have to keep in mind when you're dealing with foreign policy that it's like that, and clean coal is no different. You see, you have us, and the Middle East, and we're playing chess, but then you have to think about China, and, now, let me tell you something about the Chinese: they have no souls. You heard it here first; Uncle Joe was on top of it. The Chinese: no souls. They're like animals. So we're trying to make clean coal so we don't have to buy oil from the Middle East, which is like bringing out our queen while they're still castling, but then you have to worry about the Chinese trying to move some rooks out of turn and calling it En Passant, 'cause they're soulless, they won't think twice about cheating you. So that's what you need to take home about clean coal, put this in your lunchbox and take it home with you: the Chinese have no souls. And that's scary. And they won't think twice about putting their coal in your food and poisoning you with it, so we better clean up our coal. And that's the fact, Jack.